To the One Who Loves Me Next: This I Promise You
Updated: Jul 1
I never expected to have to be so strong, to survive so many things. My wounds run deeper than I wish they did, exacted by cruel men whose crimes for which I will fight to keep you from paying.
If you love me, you know I'm both storm and serenity and can handle the traumas that made me. I can be rough around the edges but will soften when I feel safe. It is the cost of so many battles against so much abuse. When I look at you, I will bless the broken road that brought me straight to you, abuses and abusers past a distant memory. I hope to get lost in your eyes, and your arms. Your story will mean as much to me as I hope mine does to you.
But in those times when the past catches up to me and I need a minute, know I am sorry it is the deep wounding I'm needing to sit with. Know that I might feel fear out of nowhere, flinch from sudden moves or loud noises, even your own raised voice, even my own. I will own my damage. It is still me. We will work through it, together.
I might need extra assurance that you still care because becoming a storm to survive abuse and violence is a solo endeavor that makes being with you scary. Being with real love that doesn't hurt me is scary, and new. You are worth walking through the fear both with and for. I will be grateful for your tenderness and fearlessness, vulnerability, and powerful, beautiful soul.
If you fight for me, it will be a rarity that will move me in ways I can't describe. I will always fight for you, unless you don't want me to.
I look forward to living a life with you, a life like no other, with my best friend and eternal love. I am well-traveled and worn from the suffering of this life. I look forward to resting with you, being seen by you, being heard by you, and doing the same for you.
The men who tried to break me, discard me, thought I was nothing, nothing to love. I learned to love me first, so you'd find me second and we could build the life I've waited for my whole life, with you. You don't need to fix me. I got this. I've waited my whole life for you, to love you and to be loved by you.
I am not perfect, trauma saw to that. But if you see the whole of me, I believe that you will love the whole of me, too. My love is great and I've waited my whole life, fought through heaven and hell to share it with you.
May we meet one day in this life, my man, my love, my protector, my equal. All love and power to you where ever you are, in this life, now.
As for me, I'm working on healing myself, the damage many caused so that by the time we meet, I will be ready, hell behind us, better days before us. Love, Your Future True and (Maybe) Last Love